The average person has between three and five close friendships, according to Cross River Therapy. Nearly half (49%) report having fewer than three close friends. If you’re a gregarious, outgoing person, that might seem like a shockingly low number. Fortunately, research suggests that the quantity of relationships we maintain is less important than their quality, which experts say is very important indeed.
“The quality of our relationships is the single biggest predictor of our happiness — more so than business success, physical health, wealth, status or fame,” says Jen Plummer, wellness expert at Syracuse University.
With that in mind, let’s examine eight effective strategies to foster stronger and more enduring relationships with your family, friends, colleagues and neighbors.
1. Take the Time to Get to Know Those Around You
Effective leaders tend to be excellent time managers. However, good time management does not necessarily equate to good prioritization. Often, the important-seeming tasks we choose to focus on turn out to not matter as much as we expect.
One underrated priority for leaders — and everyone else — is relationship-building. It’s immensely rewarding to carve out time to get to know those around us and connect with them on their level.
For example, screenwriter John Evans recalls how David Miscavige, leader of the Scientology religion for more than 40 years and undoubtedly a very busy man, went out of his way to make Evans feel valued during a chance meeting.
Despite never having met Evans, Miscavige took the time to learn something important about him — that his kid recently appeared onscreen — and acknowledge it in a one-on-one conversation.
“During our brief interchange, he made me feel like I was the only person in the world and that it was the high point of his day to stop and congratulate me on my kid’s acting performance in a television commercial,” Evans remembers.
If someone like David Miscavige can take a few moments to connect with someone like that, so can you.
2. Check in Often With Friends and Colleagues (Especially As They Age)
Once you’ve made that initial connection, keeping it up should be easy. Of course, it’s anything but. Finding time for social check-ins, scheduled or otherwise, is very difficult indeed.
This isn’t simply a matter of good manners. For many, especially older adults, it’s part of a holistic program of preventive care.
“Older adults with a chronic illness who had medium levels of social support had 41% less chance of death than those with low levels of social support, and high levels of social support resulted in a 55% lower chance of death,” says Alexander Sprandlin, an experimental psychologist who trained at Washington State University.
If you really want to make an impact on your community, then, consider volunteering in an age-diverse environment like your local senior housing facility or community center.
3. Ask Questions, Respectfully
Most people will open up about themselves if you give them the chance and respect their boundaries. Thus, asking simple, sequential questions is a wonderful way to earn trust and build connections. Likelier than not, you’ll realize in the process that you have something in common.
4. Find and Embrace Common Ground
If and when you locate that common ground, embrace it. Use it as the basis for future engagements. Build something around it, even.
This needn’t be a wildly ambitious project. For example, after discovering that you and a new neighbor both enjoy basketball, invite them to the community center or park where you already play pickup or intramural hoops. A weekly or even monthly get-together does much to create community where none existed.
5. Do What You Say You’ll Do
Deep, lasting relationships depend on mutual trust. As you grow closer to someone, it’s important to show them that they can rely on you to be present and to hold up your end of any bargains, past and present, that arise out of the relationship.
In short, you must demonstrate by deed — not just word — that you can be relied on to keep your promises and do what you’ll say you do. Otherwise, your word isn’t worth much.
6. Don’t Be Afraid to Leave Your Comfort Zone
Leaving one’s comfort zone is, well, uncomfortable. Yet our most memorable and transformational experiences, from unforgettable travel adventures to otherworldly culinary experiences at the restaurant down the street, seem to happen when we allow ourselves to step out.
It’s the same with relationship-building. Sheltering yourself within the same close circle of friends and family means missing out on the promise — uncomfortable as it may be — of something truly different. And your community will be poorer for it.
7. Be Spontaneous (Within Reason)
Spontaneity is also an uncomfortable yet essential part of community- and relationship-building. In a literal sense, pop-up street fairs and performances lend vibrancy to the neighborhoods they grace; in a more abstract sense, varying one’s routine helps forge connections that might otherwise remain unmade. So, go out and do that thing you’re not sure about; you could find yourself surprised by how “right” it feels.
8. Be Your Authentic, Vulnerable Self
In the social media era, there’s a fine line between authenticity and oversharing. Toeing it isn’t always easy.
It’s important to try, though, because genuine interpersonal connections are easier to make and harder to break when they’re made without pretense or dishonesty. Be yourself and others will return the favor.
Community Is Currency
The work of building personal connections is difficult but necessary in our increasingly fragmented world. By reaching out to those around you and strengthening ties with them, you’re helping to create a more cohesive and resilient community that’s better prepared for the unknown.
This work is just as important in your professional life as it is in your personal life. After all, you spend as many of your waking hours with your colleagues as you do with your friends and family, if not more. You may not count most of those colleagues among your loved ones, but — like it or not — they do matter. Treat them accordingly.
